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last update: 10.7.2025 @ 9:51pm

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Quick jump to my journal(s):
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• last entry
• spirituality (soon)
• music
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• return home

Happy New Year to us all. Last night, I thought about doing some writing, at least to reflect on the past year. I guess I just didn’t have it in me at the moment to write, or I had been so sucked into my phone and computer games that I really didn’t want to do anything else. It catches our attention and holds us there like we’re stuck. Nonetheless, the final countdown for 2026 came around. I held my cider in hand and watched the TV— I had no hope, but I finally had something I thought I could write about. I found myself wanting to post about it all, about how dystopian it felt. I didn’t feel any excitement or motivation, and I was starting to post on my Instagram about it in some kind of vent, I realized that I can’t or shouldn’t take this positive moment away from everyone else. Let them have their hope, at least for a few moments. I realized I hadn’t taken my medicine that day either, and it started to make sense why I just couldn’t cope with miniscule issues throughout the day. With this, it also comes with this hopeless feeling of why. Why do I have to take a pill to feel better?Anyway, during that countdown it felt like… it felt less like I was leaving 2025 behind and more like I was being left behind instead. I thought about my uncle and all the fun activities and such I’d try to do for the family— trying to cook meals and desserts, trying to decorate and make everyone feel special. I’d go all out for Christmas and holidays. What about him? Why couldn’t I have done it for him while he was here? It's my own guilt trying to eat at me. Even so, sometimes I think that even if certain people were still here today, I wouldn’t feel the conviction to treat them like the valuable people they are. During that countdown, I thought that I would not be spending any more money on consumerist holidays. No more dinners, no more parties. I mean, it made me happy. It makes me feel excited to plan things out and have my family around. Apart from the cost of hosting, what else is stopping me? Feeling like no one else is speaking my love language? Feeling like its not right for me to move on and do such great things for the family when my uncle spent the majority of his adult life feeling alone. Now that he’s gone, there’s no fixing it.The countdown to 2026 felt dystopian for a brief moment, because some of my loved ones are now longer here. They’ve moved on to another life without us. “Congratulations, we made it to another new year,” but not all of us. I got the “left behind” feeling, because this world as we know it is declining. The political state of our nation and the world as a whole is worrisome. What more do we have to endure that we don’t know about yet? Even the more positive things in life, like celebrating the new year, felt discouraging. How could we celebrate another year on Earth with things that hurt our planet? Fireworks, plastics, consumerism. I’m guilty of it too, but I think it’s not the consumers’ fault. Just the way our current society is structured, on top of me not having the mental energy, made me feel like I came into 2026 feeling more tired than excited.Do I still have hopes? For sure. We’ve gotta try to keep moving forward and stick to our values, no matter what. I’ve had others emphasize the importance of having goals, as well, and I suppose this is a good time to decide what long-term and short-term, tangible goals I can set for myself. Exercise at least once a week, drink water everyday, enjoy life beyond social media. Even through this writing, I find that I’m finally giving my mind the rest it’s been needing.I don’t want to always feel frozen. I don’t want to turn to addictive media through boredom or as a coping mechanism. There is so much more to life. Perhaps the goal for this year will not only echo last year’s goal of prioritizing self-care (which I didn’t do very well). This year, I will focus on genuinely enjoying my everyday life. I want to enjoy life offline. I want to enjoy the “filler episodes” of days. I want it to feel like summertime in my childhood—the very reason I love summer and am considering whether it is my new favorite season. It feels so nostalgic, looking back on it. There’s just this feeling in the air. No worries, minimal responsibilities to stress about. No sleeping in too late. Waking up and feeling the cool mornings, coming inside from the blazing afternoon sun into a dark house to cool down and drink as much water as we could. Hanging out with neighborhood friends, riding our bikes, using our imagination to enjoy our time. No phones, no personal computers, no on-demand streaming. We had a culture of bonding or togetherness that was built on patience and being able to focus our attention on different things. The days were longer, not only because of the season of the year but the season of life we all experienced without tech that sedates us. No more 13hrs a day of screentime and wondering where it all went. Time slows down when we live and do. I want this for my life.

hello i’m finally writing just to write. i need to update, but i find myself kind of ping-ponging between topics to “discuss” (ramble) about. so right now, i will update on a current obsession.my partner and i have seen two star wars movies together so far. he’s introducing me to some of the pre-2019 films. so yes, the last movie we’ve seen was star wars episode… 3? i believe it was episode three. the one where anakin turns to the dark side and ultimately becomes darth vader. spoiler alert lolafter that movie, like 99% of other star wars enjoyers, i was like “ahh anakin”
haha its so funny cause you see— you see…. who isn’t a little star struck by hayden christensen ? if you aren’t, you’re kinda just lying to yourself.anyway i’m like NOO im in a relationship but at the same its like.. aha anakin as a character is really something. i’ve seen hayden in another film that i actually just put on for background noise at the time. as an aromantic—listen, being on the aromantic spectrum, i’m generally not attracted to people. yes, there are certain people i’m drawn to sometimes, certain people who i find to be special (which i’ve also written about, check it out)! it’s like, i don’t like you romantically, but i like you more than most other people. and beyond that, i also can still recognize some people who i can probably find attractive, but i’m not attracted to them. from celebrities like zendaya to christensen— you don’t even have to think about it. you just can’t lie to yourself. and beyond celebrities, with everyday people, it can be just the same. it’s just a fleeting thought with no substance to it whatsoever.anyway, i’m not drawn anakin’s actor himself, but rather the character on his own. i feel like i’m someone who just loves angst. i love it. i don’t know why.i see anakin in that film, and it’s like… get a pierce the veil edit of this character right now. this guy did it all for love! and he lost himself. he did it all for love. what would your lover do for you !!???its like, sheesh i sure hope you don’t do anything DANGEROUS AND TRAUMATIC but like?? oh my gosh this is so toxic, bye.there are people who love being involved with toxic relationships irl, but i really couldn’t. its just, the whole idea of the angst and “what would you do for love” is idealized and romanticized. i’m guilty okay.and yes pierce the veil’s lyrics were just as toxic and intense years back. i’m like… the singer’s literally preaching about this girl and how he’d do anything. and its just these extreme measures with kind of intense images. “i don’t care if your contagious” is arguably one of their most popular songs, but this one most definitely has these themes!!as an alternative/post-hardcore band, there isn’t really even phc screaming in these parts, he’s really just like up in the studio preaching like his life depended on it for this girl.and YOU KNOW WHAT? i love it.

it’s okay to be cheap. it’s okay to be frugal. it’s okay to choose to be this way, and it’s okay if you have no choice in it at all.we live in a culture where we just consume, consume, consume. if you’re not having many new experiences, are you even successful? have you even made it in life if you can’t go out every week or multiple times a week? who even are you if you’re from a smaller town or city? how do you even have or make friends?your checking account is dwindling, and then your savings—or vice versa, whichever it is you use for you, beyond bills and necessities. there’s a certain term floating around the internet among people of my generation: FOMO. Fear Of Missing Out. it’s like everyone knows and recognizes its a thing, yet we still lean into it. we lean into living beyond our means so that we can truly experience what its like to be young and have fun. we spend so that we can try to relate more to people our age through pop culture. maybe it also has something to do with the fact that people of my generation are so hopeless about attaining the future they imagined as children: a nice big house, a stable family and a secure career. the word “economy” wasn’t part of our vocabularies to even worry about how we were going to make it. in the present day, this life feels so unattainable, that maybe it wouldn’t hurt to get a treat every week. what difference would it make?it’s not even just people my age. i think every generation has their own version of FOMO or YOLO. was there ever really a time where the poor and working classes had confidence in attaining a high standard of living or simply achieving their goals?what about those today who do hold onto this hope, these dreams? what if they simply want to save to be able to afford to live? why do they have to hurt socially? why does it have to hurt.why is there this culture, this pressure to be more?
growing up, especially from an increasingly aromantic perspective, i began to recognize symbols of status and success in western civilization. why is someone perceivably better or more successful if they’re married or in an established relationship? single individuals come to feel depressed or like something’s wrong with them just for not having a partner. i feel that only recently, people started to think differently and express: “it’s okay to be single.” it’s okay to not want to be in a relationship, either.though, i think social media has amplified this sense of comparison and the need to show the world: “look how successful i am. i’m winning in life.” to do what? is it to inflate our own egos or to try to prove to someone else that “i’m not a nobody.” with this greater emphasis on sharing our lives with the world and/or comparing them with others’, social media may have sort of expanded this range of symbols of status and success.here’s my shopping haul
get ready with me
you must see this movie
your favorite artist is collaborating with this brand/company
everybody is buying this new thing
political stance! you shouldn’t buy this new trendy thing anymoreyou’re totally out of the loop, or it's hard to keep up unless you’re watching and consuming, watching and consuming. do we have to buy to be someone? do i need to buy to be a part of a group?anyway i’m kind of rambling and losing the plot here. but overall, i think maybe people should be cheap. its okay. maybe people should be a little more frugal. sometimes i think, “i really need this,” but do i?i’m terrible at staying hydrated. i researched online for ideas and suggestions, some convincing me that maybe i need this product or this kind of bottle. “i need a new water bottle,” but do i? i have a handful of reusable ones, that i hardly ever use (because as i mentioned, i’m absolutely not hydrated). but its like ohh i need this. i need xyz.once i get it, how much do i value it? how often do i really use it?
i need my own bible. i really need to buy one asap. i need to study.i urged and urged and bought one i thought was really nice. do i even use it?
not really. i might crack it open once in a blue moon. this might be a terrible example, but it came with the feeling of “look what i got. i’m doing well, i’m making progress. look at me.” it was false. its a way of managing the impression i want others to have of me, whether i realize it or not.photos and videos at different experiences… i have to tell myself not to be excessive about it anymore. the other day i almost found myself wanting to take a photo of some burgers i was enjoying with my partner. is it really needed? just for me to post it? does it make me feel better to post it? does it make someone else feel envious or insecure? will i look back at the photo and even care about it? does any of this even matter?i feel i’m not expressing these thoughts nearly as well as i could, but wow… its just a lot.
maybe we could start emphasizing quality time and enriching experiences in ways that are low cost and genuinely focus on the quality of the experience itself. going to the park for quiet time or to toss a ball. having a library date and/or picking out books for one another. sharing something with someone, whether its reading the same book or listening to the same songs together.no comparison. minimal spending. just being present and finding the beauty in life.
with all said, there’s nothing wrong with seeking new experiences that cost more. no problem at all, and i can definitely say i do it as well. but we’ll find that there’s more ways of making and building connections, and we can show leniency and support towards others who face circumstances that won’t allow them to sustain a costly, fomo lifestyle beyond their means.

my bff raymond seems to call me a music nerd or something and he says i know a ton about music, but erm actually !! i know a bit about music i like lol. i've been involved in stan culture since i was about 12 yrs old. and there came times when i moved on from a band i liked, and just felt empty like i desperately wanted to be obsessed with another group again as some form of comfort. wasn't healthy, wouldn't want to go back to stan culture again. (even prior to stan culture i found myself wanting to be obsessed with smth as a kid? like consciously deciding i'd be a spongebob or pokemon fan and memorize the schedule for when it'd come on tv). that sounds like a topic for another time.

i listened to a lot of solo projects to from gerard way's hesitant alien to andy black's solo album at the time. i also delved into poetic works of flatsound and was recommended a song or two from bright eyes: "poison oak," which i still love today. anyway gerard way's work is/was super impactful for me, super emotional. i really connected with it during my entire middle school experience and as i discovered more post-hardcore bands, namely pierce the veil and sleeping with sirens. sws' album "let's cheers to this" was just... idk such a defining part of my life lol idk how else to word that! it was so paramount to how i dealt with depression and grew into adolescence.

then i was left with a void again. i was a teen trying to deal with being a teen, without a clutch. i had an obsession over questioning my identity and who i am in various ways. nonetheless, i decided i wouldn't be stanning anymore. my music taste started to expand a bit as well.nowadays i listen to the same bands i grew up with and came to delve more into metal, metalcore (i also quite liked), nu-metal(ish), folk/indie (like the lumineers), indie-alternative, etc. I did listen to pop artists before like troye sivan, and i later came to enjoy hayley kiyoko's music for a bit. i then love(d) rina sawayama, who was also recommended to me by an online friend (thank you)!!!i've listened to k-ballads for a brief period and chill music by 92914. i really enjoyed king princess for a bit and i became a fan of cavetown, as i felt i could genuinely relate to their lyrics.

that's a lot! but not really
i listen to a lot of different things nowadays. i feel so open when there's no rules, boundaries or pressure from being part of group or some sort of fan culture. not trying to complain sm and its okay if anyone still enjoys it. but that was my life for like 10+ years 😭if you read all this, i'm sorry and also you deserve a sticker. and a huge thank you 😭!! you absolutely didn't need to, but i really hope to write more about music in more detail. thank you for stopping by to see me let out my rambles.let's chat music together some time! do you have any interesting experiences or anything you relate to?

Tonight I feel lost, yet I feel like I'm in a comfortable place I used to call home. A few days ago I created a playlist called "slow alt ballads" for the purpose of transferring some of my favorite music from Spotify to CDs. And I feel that while I'm mentally drained tonight on top of having a busy first day of the week, I think that this playlist simultaneously feeds and validates this isolating feeling I have. It feeds it, yet it heals me. I can't explain it. Anyway, I decided I'd listen to music while showering, and then I'd go straight to bed. The first song up: Jesus Christ by Brand New. Please listen to it if you haven't.This song is the way we probably ought to have conversations with God. The narrator is having this tough discussion that heavily focuses on the mental health difficulties he's facing. He feels alone, he feels isolated. Life feels hard in the sense of... being somebody just feels impossible. I can't put this song and the feeling it invokes into words. The song itself just feels like a state of being I know too well. I was that person that felt so out of reach from everyone else. This song—perhaps it's also because I discovered this song around this time —this song reminds me a lot of the mental state of my 12 year old self.I don't think I've ever been more depressed in my life. It was at that time that I had no place that I felt comfortable. I dealt with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I had breakdown after breakdown. For the years after, I still dealt with anxiety, and I found it hard to connect with anyone. Could anyone love me? Could anyone like me? I really longed for a friend. I used to think so much about how I could make it through anything in this life as long as I just had someone. Several years later, I finally have my someone , and sometimes things don't feel any easier. It can be hard to realize that we're living a life we once asked for, prayed for, begged for. I never saw it happening.Along with this song, I also have a song from the same band: "The Boy Who Blocked His Own Bullet." Not listening to it tonight, but it is a good listen nonetheless. Another notable track: "You Told Me You Loved Me" by Cinematic Sunrise. I've always loved this song, it feels beautiful yet sad (such a simple way to describe that). This song describes an ache, but it doesn't feel like heartbreak to me. It feels like there's already been some sort of acceptance and defeat, yet the narrator (or myself as a listener) gets this sense that while things have turned out differently than one had hoped, there are still lingering feelings of what was and what could've been. This is a feeling I know too well. No attachments here; I've met many amazing people and friends, and I'm in an amazing relationship. But don't you ever miss friendships and connections? It's like some kind of grief; grieving someone who's gone but not dead.Perhaps there's 2 more songs I will share. One I enjoy and just started listening to recently: "I Swear This Time I Mean It" by Mayday Parade. It makes me want to sing. It feels achy too, like you're grieving someone who is currently still with you. You don't want them to leave; they're perfect. They're beautiful, they're amazing. I mess up again and again; I'm far from perfect. I'm far from normal or okay, and that's something I've always wanted. I finally have someone for me, someone I love and who loves me. The narrator of this song watches his lover sleep and sings to her sweetly; he wants to keep things right. He wants to take care of her, support her and not mess things up—especially due to one's mental health struggles or pain from past experiences. In the same breath, he doesn't want to hurt either.I see my partner sometimes, and I feel like... almost like dirt. They are so kind and so sweet to me, all the time. They're a goof (in a good way), but we both hurt—we've both been hurt. We both have our fair share of mental struggles and worry about losing one another or not being strong enough. This moment, this chance—our friendship and relationship is something we didn't expect to happen, and we want to hold onto it as tightly as we can. This is something we've both needed. I love them so much. They are so much stronger and better than they give themselves credit for.Me, I shut down; I shut others down. It's not right, and because I can't get myself together, like how the narrator worries about his "clumsy tongue" and hoping to sing the song well enough for his love... It feels similar.Last song, but not least: "Roger Rabbit" by Sleeping With Sirens. This band has some very nice acoustic tracks. I used to listen to this song a lot years and years ago, but I didn't really pay too much attention to the lyrics or at least apply them to my own life. Someday I came to realize just how much this song resonates with me (a lot). It's so easy to sing, but the message is so valuable. Really think about it, reflect on it. I had to do something serious reflection on who I am, how I'm navigating all my relationships, emotions and experiences.This song has the right messages for the right time. "When you have today, say all that you have to say."This song teaches me to live authentically, which I feel like I've struggled with so so much until this past year. I worried too much, and I still internalize almost everything. It takes a lot for me to remind myself not to worry. But I do think I've been making progress in becoming more like myself and being content with it. I've rejected labels, yet I've found the courage to one day tell my family who I am regarding parts of my identity. I've challenged social anxiety and found a way I can interact with many people without stressing too much about social expectations. I am also medicated, so I will say that's helped a lot. Otherwise you have me, crying at work or at an In N Out because of an interaction I perceived to be awkward. So debilitating.Another valuable message of this song: "Nobody's gonna love you if you can't display a way to capture this." Amazing. You know how the other songs reminded of that feeling of depression, isolation and just feeling like being somebody was impossible? For just about my entire life so far, I haven't been able to take initiative in making friends. It's such a struggle (and it still is). Every friendship I had consisted of someone else pulling me around. I thought it was the same with my partner.Except, my partner came to me and stayed with me, instead of pulling me wherever they went. And from the time we've met and to this day, I can say I've definitely grown and become more social. I'm shedding layers of myself, an outer shell that kept me comfortable in my anxious social discomfort. Someone told me recently at work that I'm popular—its hard to see it sometimes. I try my best to work hard, but nowadays I try to have fun and engage while being authentic if I can. I'm so glad I can be surrounded by people who let me be me, most of the time. I think from seeing my work ethic, my willing to help and my overall personality, I've found love around me by doing just what this song describes "displaying a way" or giving people an opportunity to see me, see who I am and love me.p.s. I shall share some more music-based writings soon. I want to start doing song analyses, but they will not be professional. Also I'm typing all of this on my phone so I will edit and reformat soon.