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last update: 10.7.2025 @ 9:51pm

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un-humbling yourselfhey there, it’s been a little bit since i’ve written (maybe a week), and there’s a few topics i’ve had in mind that i just wanted to get on paper. i’ve been both very tired and quite distracted, so while i’m not in the writing mood at the moment, it has to happen.it’s kind of like… “mind over matter,” but i often think of it the other way around. “matter over mind” — getting things done without giving it any thought. don’t even give yourself time to dwell on what you’re going to do or how long it’ll take. anyway, that was another topic i’ve written about, i believe.today i want to briefly talk about “un-humbling” or de-humbling(?) oneself. when life feels impossible, i maybe find it helpful to compare myself to others but in a more positive way for my own self-view. is it a little arrogant? absolutely….maybe. it’s not wholly: “i’m better than everyone else,” rather, “if this ill-equipped person, who is absolutely NOT qualified to do something, is doing this thing—why can’t i?”i’m not better or higher than you. however, i reflect on my own qualities that i can control. i’m not better than you, but i put more effort into what i do. i have strong work ethic. i have integrity. i am honest and caring. if some of the worst people you’ll meet can be in such big roles as doctors, nurses, managers, etc., then i know for sure that i’m capable too.is this actually just battling imposter syndrome?
is it actually just recognizing one’s worth?life feels impossible sometimes. when also considering depression or overall disillusionment with the world, it’s hard for people to see their potential and envision a life where they can be both financially stable and happy doing what they love. even if the latter takes awhile longer, we shouldn’t have to try so hard to make a living. some people i’m close with don’t have any hope; they don’t see their potential despite being some of the most amazing workers i’ve met. in the same breath, there’s frustration when our bosses are incompetent while making six figures. you can’t help but to feel “i can do better” or “they have no idea what they’re talking about.” they’re getting paid more, though, right?don’t even feel bad about it. there’s truth in acknowledging that you can do a better job than someone else. are they incapable of doing better, themselves? they’re absolutely capable. yes, mental & personal issues beyond work are very real—you never know what someone’s dealing with. i really want to emphasize that it comes down to comfort and character. someone who wrongs others, is genuinely lazy, can never take accountability, lies and does it all to get ahead—i feel it’s completely valid to make judgements about their performance, opposed to someone who is genuinely giving it their all. it becomes apparent to many of us which character a person is. if someone has such negative qualities while putting on a front, all for “pulling up one’s bootstraps” or expressing that being poor is a choice, i firmly believe you are justified in thinking you can do so much better in their position.not to mention nepotism and other factors like injustice, discrimination, racism, malpractice and so much more—i worry about whether i can be a teacher or a nurse. though, when i see how absolutely horrible some people are out there, i also feel motivated to take on such roles because i know my character. i’ve gotten my education, and i know that with my morals, i could not think about hurting a child, a patient, an employees, etc on purpose, especially without looking inwardly towards myself.anyway, this is a bit of a ramble at this point, but this is what i mean by “un-humbling” one’s self.challenge your impostor syndrome. fight that voice in your head that tells you that you can’t do it.
we are so much better off trying and learning on the way, rather than living with the regret of wishing we did more. either way, those who are inadequate or unqualified will still be there making money in roles they probably shouldn’t have. (random sidenote: this message doesn’t mean do what you can to sabotage someone’s job or get them out, because what would that say about your own character?) whatever you do, don’t convince yourself that you’re not qualified or deserving, especially before you even give yourself a chance.

when dealing with depression, mental illness or just trying to get out of a funk, it is often recommended that we do the "obvious” in trying to take care of ourselves.go for a walk.
get some fresh air.
did you drink some water?
just do it.the more I kind of get stuck in my head, the more i find it difficult to actually get up and do things. today, i started the day with purpose. I set a tone and expectation the day before, and I set it in stone. go to the dentist at 9. then head to the DMV after. last, i can maybe stop by the grocery store to get quick, healthy foods. when i get home i can play a PC game or work on clay projects. seems like a busy day compared to my usual wallowing at home.no thinking about it. and no giving up when things go slightly different than planned. wanted to be at the office right at 9? i showed up closer to 10. I still have to stay committed, granted, the slight delay may have normally caused me to think: “well, i can just do it another day”i could just call instead. i can just wait later.
if i laid back down, it'd then be: “i don't have the energy. it's too hot outside.”is this really the sin of sloth?depression is very real. so is anxiety and a multitude of mental health struggles and cognitive disorders. to some extent, though, one has to recognize the extent of their abilities, their energy levels and what they need to do. i have energy today.I brushed my teeth today. and i always say, it feels amazing whenever i do take care of myself. i feel great physically and mentally. so why can't i keep up with it?this morning, i just suddenly thought: “maybe it's not just mental health. maybe im just neglecting my hygiene.”neglect is very real too.
and yes, i’m obviously neglecting it although sometimes unintentionally when im going through a mental health episode. but what about today? what about those days where i just sleep in a little, and mentally, im feeling fine. lazy days—theyre okay. however, brushing one's teeth and showering is done for more than just aesthetic value. even if one isn't going out or seeing others, it's meant to be done for our health and well-being.2 minutes out of 24 hours. how many minutes are in a day? such a small thing makes a huge difference.a little while ago, i started questioning why I have such difficulty in maintaining self-care, particularly oral hygiene. is it a sensory issue?I grew up questioning a lot about potential mental or cognitive disorders i may have. ive always felt that there's more to me than just depression and anxiety. i knew i had those without a doubt, simply because that's what i felt everyday. i don't know or think one can “feel ocd” or “feel autism” without knowing what they're looking for, how symptoms are repressed and without help from an outside perspective. when confirmed, one can most definitely identify their symptoms and experiences and recognize that it's their disability. for me, ive grown up without any diagnoses. ive learned how to suppress certain things at least temporarily. as an adult, i believe i can usually manage social situations despite how ive struggled when i was younger.anyway, while trying to identify potential sensory issues or symptoms of ADHD, it's critical for me to understand that i can still do things. i have strength. while i often feel like i can't feel like an adult, even now at 23, i can try. staying in one place, especially in my “comfort” of internal discomfort, convinces me that it's truly not possible.we can do anything.I realized: ive just set goals for myself. so small or short term for me—going to the dentist, getting my driver's permit. stuff I've procrastinated on again and again. isn't it so crazy how going on a short walk to do such things can make one think: wow, this kind of is like “adulting.” not to mention, the act of practicing self care and putting effort into myself before starting my day, no matter the delay, was so important in setting the tone for my day overall.it's not even noon yet, as i write this.
maybe my mindset will change when i get home. but for now, it feels kind of okay. is this what it feels like to be normal? is this what it feels like to be an adult?

between the ages 12 and 13, i think i was the most depressed i've ever been. i'm not sure if that's true, but i always think of that time. it felt so heavy, trying to make it through my 8th grade year and later trying to deal with college classes in the summer. i sometimes find that a jacket or hoodie is like a walking blanket, but more so: a walking hug. the subculture involved wearing sleeves and being covered even in the hottest weather. it involved some attachment to a black jacket at some point in our lives. that was me.i wasn't happy with myself, among all other issues i was dealing with. i was insecure about the undertone of my skin or my skin color overall. i didn't like to see any of the old dark marks i had from picking. it was over my arms, my legs, my back and more. my uniform khaki pants were too tight and torn, so i had to wear shorts. even still, i had my jacket.i remember developing hives because it was so hot and i kept my jacket on despite it. my other big insecurity were my wrists and my body type. i felt my arms were so skinny to wear certain clothes, my chest too flat. i had very few shirts i actually liked to wear outside of school. i felt out of place feeling like a kid (i was a kid, of course, but i didn't feel like myself). my entire internal world sought out music, fanfiction and alternative subculture to cope.with my wrists—theyre not thick. i don't think im consciously insecure about them anymore, but they feel naked when im not wearing my bracelets. i love them. my bracelets feel alt, they feel comfortable. they're colorful and bring out my personality. i feel so cool when i wear them.anyway, in those hot summers, i had to keep covered because i started considering cutting my forearms as a form of self-harm. i already had suicidal ideation, which, in some ways, i later thought was connected to ocd (and i proceeded to obsess over whether i had ocd), because i imagined impulsively pulling the steering wheel (though i'd never do it). my suicidal ideation was beyond that, though. i thought about how i'd do it, and what would happen. i thought if i did it, id take a bunch of pain relief medicine. i didn't hate myself, not to the point of wanting to hurt.nonetheless, i tried a more intentional form of self-harm using the blade from a pencil sharpener i had. i think i was careful, maybe too careful for what it was, right? it didn't feel good. it didn't give me any boost in endorphins or anything like that. it didn't feel satisfactory or relieving. did it feel bad? not really. i later regretted it sometimes bc it didn't do anything for me mentally, and i'd get itchy with the heat. at the same time, there was something i liked about looking at my arms and feeling them gently. it's something i thought about tonight and started googling to see if others had a similar experience. the thought of self harm bounces around in my head sometimes, not as something i have an urge to do, but more like “hey maybe i should/could try it again.” i almost want to have that moment of vulnerability and to later find satisfaction in texture. it must be some strange sensory seeking thing. when i get scratches and bruises from work, it's something i kind of like. the rare times id exercise and feel achy for the days after, i really liked it too.i don't know what it is. what is even wrong with me. i don't want to cause myself to feel any hurt, and i most definitely do not want to hurt others. that's completely out of the question. yet, sometimes i get impulses, especially for coping with high stress, high frustration experiences. nothing serious can be happening in life, but i'd be having this hard, overwhelming time that would give me the urge to spend money, change my hair color, get piercings not even knowing what or where.(anyway in sleepy and falling asleep right now. i'll finish later ,)
(that was around 1am, picking back up around 9pm)i don’t want to say nothing serious is or was happening. my therapist told me this affirmation that helps me not minimize my feelings and internal struggles: “if it’s important to me, it is important.” its not to say my situation is anywhere as severe or dire as another, but my feelings and experiences still matter, and i still need help. why do i want to do things impulsively? it doesn’t fix a feeling. it doesn’t fix a problem. symbolically, maybe it feels like i’m shedding away a version of myself that was carrying this weight. instead, i’m not shedding anything away. while i take control temporarily, i’m pushing away a negative headspace until it comes back. its simply a brief serotonin boost. though, couldn’t one say the same about self-harm?for me, self-harm was never about trying to feel better or at least “good.” in a sense, i was trying to cope with overwhelming feelings as i was experiencing them. i scratched during meltdowns. i’d hit my head with the ball of my palm out of incredible frustration. i felt like it was way too much to contain within myself somehow, yet, i didn’t know how to get rid of it. even after a couple years of therapy, i’m not sure if i know how to cope.i could hide away from the world for a bit. whether its for a few minutes, for a night, or for a few weeks. i’m hiding away now, because i don’t know how i could face the world otherwise. i couldn’t do it without breaking down. i wouldn’t know how to keep going without feeling like i dont want to exist anymore. having these passive thoughts of suicidal ideation is unreal. everything comes crashing down.during my time as a 12 or 13 year old, depression seemed to be a more constant thing. i was numb. that’s it, and yet, it was the worst i’ve been. at my current age, my troubling thoughts come with an ache in my chest, whether its from stress or emotional hurt. i feel emotionally hurt and defeated. i feel like my spirit is breaking down the longer i stay where i’m at until i take a break and ultimately have a reset. it’ll last me a couple of months until i reach another breaking point. i don’t want to be someone who doesn’t care.i’ve always been so sensitive. my family used to tell me this all the time. i was called a crybaby at home and at school. i sought out attention in various ways. for a short time at night, i would, quite literally, cry out loud and disturbed my sisters’ sleep. i tried to cry as loud as i could for my mom’s attention. i cried over rejection. i cried over feeling like i’d miss out. i cried for being cut in line at school. i cried worrying about whether my mom was safe as i waited for her to come home. as i got older, i cried over lost connections. i cried wanting new connections, friendships and bonds. i cried over school. i cried over my future. i cry over work and this society as a whole.i thought it’d be so much easier after graduating from school and finally being done with it all. but i started caring a little too much. i started wanting things to go my way and for things to be better overall. i started feeling more like our bosses cared more about their numbers than how work is affecting us mentally. i care about people feeling seen, and yet by caring about the world and all the madness that exists within it, i sometimes feel numb as we’re overwhelmed by one thing happening after another. what is even the point anymore.anyway, i thought about writing this brief topic on self-harm as a reflection of the thoughts that are going through my head. my nurse practitioner asks if i have any thoughts of hurting myself, once a month when we talk about renewing my prescription. i always say no. i’m not suicidal, but i have hard moments and temporary thoughts about not wanting to exist. i don’t have urges to hurt myself, but sometimes i wonder what would happen if i did, just intentionally. just doing it for the sake of sensory seeking, of wanting to see and feel it a marking on my skin. i would say, that’s not mentally right either.i’ll end this topic here, for now.

it must be exhausting to always think about the things that are wrong with this world.
it must be exhausting to always be conscious about social injustice, to overanalyze everything—big or small, good or bad. this is not the way i want to live; it's not the way we should live.yet, i overanalyze. more accurately: i overthink. what’s the difference anyway?
now that i’m a sociologist (by discipline), it’s my full-time job, 24/7/365 to think about everything that’s wrong and everything that could be better. that’s how its always been, except i’m older and just a little more knowledgeable.anyway, in those little moments where one should be grounding themselves—when they should simply enjoy the peace, the scenery, the goodness that surrounds—i think about the other beings around me. the birds, butterflies and bees. the squirrels that scurry across our path on every hike.they’re exactly where they’re meant to be: taking in the full warmth and every advantage that nature gives. no pollution, minimal waste if any. yet, it makes me feel sad?these critters have probably spent their whole lives on this mountain and know nothing else. then there’s the city (or any human population, really). concrete worlds. these same creatures might have to scramble for what they can get out of a person’s trash. there’s other, additional issues they have to worry about.this is so exhausting to think about, because why does it even matter? who even cares?when i think about this, i wonder to myself: “the little bees on this mountain aren’t privileged.” would someone say such a thing? that they are?it is their right to live healthy, fulfilling lives undisturbed. they’re not privileged for it, while the others are disadvantaged. how could we apply this thinking towards us humans and our society?check your privilege. are we privileged for having our basic needs fulfilled?
the more i though about it, i started to feel that privilege lies within luxury.
let’s say these critters had privilege—what does this look like? if humans provided them with food, toys/enrichment, bathing, etc—these seem like basic needs perhaps. in an animal world, this is extra help. clothes, shelter, sweet treats— all extra and unneeded for animals, right? it’s extra.for the human race, maybe privilege lies within wealth and status.
should we have wealth equality, what makes one person more powerful than another? what gives someone an advantage? we consider patriarchy. we consider whiteness as a social construct that shifts with time, all to maximize one’s power over others. if we were to continue to take away a trait from a population and homogenize on the basis of skin color, income, religion, etc., people will always find a way to try to “other” individuals, creating social divides and power imbalances.in any sense, i don’t think individuals should be made to feel ashamed for being raised with the resources and opportunities we are all entitled to. one shouldn’t apologize nor be put down for having their rights acknowledged and their needs met. this itself, i would argue, is not privilege. however, social and material advantages gained by one group over another, especially through the means of diminishing others, is what results from privilege.a job (the ability to provide for oneself) is a need in today’s society.
privilege is generational wealth, being born with a silver spoon. privilege is nepotism—having a network of connections and opportunities already lined up for someone, independent of their efforts and skills.privilege lies within racism and patriarchal systems.
independent of one’s own efforts and skills, a stranger chooses a candidate because of their race, because of their gender, over another. privilege is not being a hard-working, determined individual and reaping rewards as a result. privilege is having positive qualities of being hardworking and determined without ever having to show it or prove oneself—simply because of one’s identity and appearance.a bird eats from a feeder, and it feels happy and pleased to have it. this is the bird’s usual backyard, the home where it builds its nest and where it had reared from the last generation. it deserves this feeder, and it works hard to deserve it.another bird walks a trash-ridden sidewalk, hurried people and their feet all around. it takes whatever falls from a person’s hand, intentionally or unintentionally. it’s filling, but it doesn’t feel good. the flock gathers on the only patch of green they can find in the immediate area. they know not about what better places exist elsewhere, perhaps? if they did, would they have the energy? the means to fly somewhere else? somewhere far away and somewhere better?the difference between them all is simply where they were born and an upbringing that was out of their own control. the difference between their lives—privileged, average or disadvantaged—may be just a matter of luck. step on the disadvantaged. blame the standard. the privileged are not concerned in their comfort.

before my uncle passed away, i don’t think i had ever seen him in my dreams. it’s not something i can recall. the first time i dreamt of him (after his passing), i saw him in a car on the freeway. it was an older but shiny, bright blue car (or was it a truck?), almost like the ones you would probably see in a show. he was in the passenger seat, and i was in the next lane over as a passenger in another car; i think it was my mom’s. i saw my uncle for just a brief moment. it was like a double-take, if anything, when i saw his face. he didn’t see me, but he looked a little younger and maybe more content as they drove by.maybe the color of the vehicle resembled the color of his casket. as the one man in our household, our immediate family, it was always the color blue. even the walls of his room, at some point, were a baby blue. i don’t do well at analyzing potential symbols or metaphors in my dreams, but perhaps the dream overall was symbolic. i didn’t even see the driver of the car he was in. it was him while we were apart.every dream of him that i had after seemed to feel hopeful yet maybe a little stressful. in every one of these dreams, the story kind of continued from that last night. we’d discover that he was actually alive. i think in the first one, he was “deceased” but seated in his chair in his room. its not custom or very common in western civilization, but it was as though we as a family spent time with a deceased loved one before they went away. i looked really close and saw he was actually breathing, just shallow breaths that could be missed. i panicked and kept calling for someone, but i didn’t see him awake after then. in the dreams to follow, i saw him awake more and more, but not in good condition. he was weak and in a worse physical state than i’d seen him before (maybe even a little distorted), but he was alive.these dreams gave my false hope while i was asleep. but sometimes i think: even if he lived that night and continued to live for awhile after, would anything have changed? if he lived for years more, would i have changed my behavior? would i have talked to him more? i believe i had this kind of thought process while dreaming as well. in one dream potentially being me just walking past his room without acknowledging him. he’d still be in pain, emotionally if not physically. everyone had regrets, even when he was alive, i’d say. in the months leading up to his death, i told myself i’d get him flowers. that was the plan for father’s day up until his death. after the first funeral i went to in april, a feeling came over me that another one would come later in the year, but i tried to shake it. i worry too much. i try to challenge my anxiety sometimes, so i dismissed it. it must not have been anxiety, really, since it didn’t worry me too much after, only i wanted everyone to see me graduate from my master’s program. i wanted my mom, all my family, to see me before it was too late. that’s the true reason i felt i needed to rush. and yet, my uncle didn’t get to see me in person. my grandma didn’t want to go to LA. she hadn’t attended a graduation of mine yet, so i was hopeful and yet disappointed.in the weeks leading up to his death, i kept thinking again and again that i was running out of time. the urge got stronger and stronger, yet i kept putting it off. i’d see flowers at the grocery store and decide i didn’t want to spend $12 but i didn’t want to settle for the $5 bouquets either. i subconsciously decided that he wasn’t worth it. i didn’t buy him flowers until the morning after i learned of his passing. i was and still am riddled with guilt. from that point forward, i didnt care how much things cost when it came to food or gifts for my loved ones. i’m overcompensating, and even as i try to do better, i still feel the frustration towards myself for not decorating his room or pushing more to have him be involved. i think that at that point, he may have felt too depressed, lonely or unwanted to agree to participate. he must’ve felt trapped.oddly enough, the only other deceased loved one i dreamt about before then was our family dog, pepper. the only other “boy” in the family. i fear their stories are pretty similar or that they could relate to one another. my dog, i don’t actually know if he’s deceased or what happened. he was an outside dog that stayed in our backyard and came in at night or other special circumstances. as he was getting older, he started to lose some of his senses, i believe. i always think of how we tossed him a treat, and he couldn’t see or smell it right in front of him, at least not right away. that said, he got out through one of our gates. often times he’d roam around and come back home. this time, he probably couldn’t find his way back. my family would say that they thought they could hear his barks some days and that someone probably took him in.one random night i dreamt of him as a puppy, and i felt that maybe it was a way of letting me know that he’s passed. that maybe he really was a puppy again.everytime he slipped into our house and if we didn’t close my uncle’s door first, he’d run straight into his room and lay at my uncle’s feet. it was impossible to get him out. that was his go-to spot, and he’d stay there for awhile. maybe they both felt alone in their own respective ways. our dog didn’t really go on walks, engage with other dogs or see a vet. he had food and water and was there for us to pet or try to play with, but often only when we came to him. i think a lot about wanting a dog, especially for the emotional benefit, and i’d swear i’d do a lot better at taking care of it.we can’t change the past. we can’t try to overcompensate or make things better after its done. i can swear things will be different, but time will tell. one shouldn’t have to pass for the living to learn a lesson. i’m afraid that through my current relationships, as well, i have to truly reflect more on what i’m saying and doing. why wait for things to go wrong to have regrets and want things to be better? i want to be able to do it while my loved ones are still here, but its hard. i always say that— “its hard.”what was hard…. as a kid, back when i’d still go to church, i told myself i’d start talking to my uncle everyday. i tried for a little while, i guess until it was less convenient for me. as kids, we didn’t really have conversations with adults, but i don’t think thats a real excuse. at some point, i even began to avoid him. i wasn’t good at video games to help, i didn’t know what to talk about (again, not excuses). but growing up, if certain people said or did one thing i didn’t like, my view of them was now different. even on the basis of facial expressions, i was unforgiving for whatever reason. for him, on his last day, i was annoyed with someone i didn’t really talk to, someone who was sick and enduring a lot mentally. i am less than understanding. i’m not at the level i want to be at. i want to empathize. i want to focus on building human connections. but actually doing it is something i genuinely need to put effort in—and that’s the part i can’t seem to get over.if i can’t get past my own comfort, i’ll go nowhere.

Happy New Year to us all. Last night, I thought about doing some writing, at least to reflect on the past year. I guess I just didn’t have it in me at the moment to write, or I had been so sucked into my phone and computer games that I really didn’t want to do anything else. It catches our attention and holds us there like we’re stuck. Nonetheless, the final countdown for 2026 came around. I held my cider in hand and watched the TV— I had no hope, but I finally had something I thought I could write about. I found myself wanting to post about it all, about how dystopian it felt. I didn’t feel any excitement or motivation, and I was starting to post on my Instagram about it in some kind of vent, I realized that I can’t or shouldn’t take this positive moment away from everyone else. Let them have their hope, at least for a few moments. I realized I hadn’t taken my medicine that day either, and it started to make sense why I just couldn’t cope with miniscule issues throughout the day. With this, it also comes with this hopeless feeling of why. Why do I have to take a pill to feel better?Anyway, during that countdown it felt like… it felt less like I was leaving 2025 behind and more like I was being left behind instead. I thought about my uncle and all the fun activities and such I’d try to do for the family— trying to cook meals and desserts, trying to decorate and make everyone feel special. I’d go all out for Christmas and holidays. What about him? Why couldn’t I have done it for him while he was here? It's my own guilt trying to eat at me. Even so, sometimes I think that even if certain people were still here today, I wouldn’t feel the conviction to treat them like the valuable people they are. During that countdown, I thought that I would not be spending any more money on consumerist holidays. No more dinners, no more parties. I mean, it made me happy. It makes me feel excited to plan things out and have my family around. Apart from the cost of hosting, what else is stopping me? Feeling like no one else is speaking my love language? Feeling like its not right for me to move on and do such great things for the family when my uncle spent the majority of his adult life feeling alone. Now that he’s gone, there’s no fixing it.The countdown to 2026 felt dystopian for a brief moment, because some of my loved ones are now longer here. They’ve moved on to another life without us. “Congratulations, we made it to another new year,” but not all of us. I got the “left behind” feeling, because this world as we know it is declining. The political state of our nation and the world as a whole is worrisome. What more do we have to endure that we don’t know about yet? Even the more positive things in life, like celebrating the new year, felt discouraging. How could we celebrate another year on Earth with things that hurt our planet? Fireworks, plastics, consumerism. I’m guilty of it too, but I think it’s not the consumers’ fault. Just the way our current society is structured, on top of me not having the mental energy, made me feel like I came into 2026 feeling more tired than excited.Do I still have hopes? For sure. We’ve gotta try to keep moving forward and stick to our values, no matter what. I’ve had others emphasize the importance of having goals, as well, and I suppose this is a good time to decide what long-term and short-term, tangible goals I can set for myself. Exercise at least once a week, drink water everyday, enjoy life beyond social media. Even through this writing, I find that I’m finally giving my mind the rest it’s been needing.I don’t want to always feel frozen. I don’t want to turn to addictive media through boredom or as a coping mechanism. There is so much more to life. Perhaps the goal for this year will not only echo last year’s goal of prioritizing self-care (which I didn’t do very well). This year, I will focus on genuinely enjoying my everyday life. I want to enjoy life offline. I want to enjoy the “filler episodes” of days. I want it to feel like summertime in my childhood—the very reason I love summer and am considering whether it is my new favorite season. It feels so nostalgic, looking back on it. There’s just this feeling in the air. No worries, minimal responsibilities to stress about. No sleeping in too late. Waking up and feeling the cool mornings, coming inside from the blazing afternoon sun into a dark house to cool down and drink as much water as we could. Hanging out with neighborhood friends, riding our bikes, using our imagination to enjoy our time. No phones, no personal computers, no on-demand streaming. We had a culture of bonding or togetherness that was built on patience and being able to focus our attention on different things. The days were longer, not only because of the season of the year but the season of life we all experienced without tech that sedates us. No more 13hrs a day of screentime and wondering where it all went. Time slows down when we live and do. I want this for my life.

hello i’m finally writing just to write. i need to update, but i find myself kind of ping-ponging between topics to “discuss” (ramble) about. so right now, i will update on a current obsession.my partner and i have seen two star wars movies together so far. he’s introducing me to some of the pre-2019 films. so yes, the last movie we’ve seen was star wars episode… 3? i believe it was episode three. the one where anakin turns to the dark side and ultimately becomes darth vader. spoiler alert lolafter that movie, like 99% of other star wars enjoyers, i was like “ahh anakin”
haha its so funny cause you see— you see…. who isn’t a little star struck by hayden christensen ? if you aren’t, you’re kinda just lying to yourself.anyway i’m like NOO im in a relationship but at the same its like.. aha anakin as a character is really something. i’ve seen hayden in another film that i actually just put on for background noise at the time. as an aromantic—listen, being on the aromantic spectrum, i’m generally not attracted to people. yes, there are certain people i’m drawn to sometimes, certain people who i find to be special (which i’ve also written about, check it out)! it’s like, i don’t like you romantically, but i like you more than most other people. and beyond that, i also can still recognize some people who i can probably find attractive, but i’m not attracted to them. from celebrities like zendaya to christensen— you don’t even have to think about it. you just can’t lie to yourself. and beyond celebrities, with everyday people, it can be just the same. it’s just a fleeting thought with no substance to it whatsoever.anyway, i’m not drawn anakin’s actor himself, but rather the character on his own. i feel like i’m someone who just loves angst. i love it. i don’t know why.i see anakin in that film, and it’s like… get a pierce the veil edit of this character right now. this guy did it all for love! and he lost himself. he did it all for love. what would your lover do for you !!???its like, sheesh i sure hope you don’t do anything DANGEROUS AND TRAUMATIC but like?? oh my gosh this is so toxic, bye.there are people who love being involved with toxic relationships irl, but i really couldn’t. its just, the whole idea of the angst and “what would you do for love” is idealized and romanticized. i’m guilty okay.and yes pierce the veil’s lyrics were just as toxic and intense years back. i’m like… the singer’s literally preaching about this girl and how he’d do anything. and its just these extreme measures with kind of intense images. “i don’t care if your contagious” is arguably one of their most popular songs, but this one most definitely has these themes!!as an alternative/post-hardcore band, there isn’t really even phc screaming in these parts, he’s really just like up in the studio preaching like his life depended on it for this girl.and YOU KNOW WHAT? i love it.

it’s okay to be cheap. it’s okay to be frugal. it’s okay to choose to be this way, and it’s okay if you have no choice in it at all.we live in a culture where we just consume, consume, consume. if you’re not having many new experiences, are you even successful? have you even made it in life if you can’t go out every week or multiple times a week? who even are you if you’re from a smaller town or city? how do you even have or make friends?your checking account is dwindling, and then your savings—or vice versa, whichever it is you use for you, beyond bills and necessities. there’s a certain term floating around the internet among people of my generation: FOMO. Fear Of Missing Out. it’s like everyone knows and recognizes its a thing, yet we still lean into it. we lean into living beyond our means so that we can truly experience what its like to be young and have fun. we spend so that we can try to relate more to people our age through pop culture. maybe it also has something to do with the fact that people of my generation are so hopeless about attaining the future they imagined as children: a nice big house, a stable family and a secure career. the word “economy” wasn’t part of our vocabularies to even worry about how we were going to make it. in the present day, this life feels so unattainable, that maybe it wouldn’t hurt to get a treat every week. what difference would it make?it’s not even just people my age. i think every generation has their own version of FOMO or YOLO. was there ever really a time where the poor and working classes had confidence in attaining a high standard of living or simply achieving their goals?what about those today who do hold onto this hope, these dreams? what if they simply want to save to be able to afford to live? why do they have to hurt socially? why does it have to hurt.why is there this culture, this pressure to be more?
growing up, especially from an increasingly aromantic perspective, i began to recognize symbols of status and success in western civilization. why is someone perceivably better or more successful if they’re married or in an established relationship? single individuals come to feel depressed or like something’s wrong with them just for not having a partner. i feel that only recently, people started to think differently and express: “it’s okay to be single.” it’s okay to not want to be in a relationship, either.though, i think social media has amplified this sense of comparison and the need to show the world: “look how successful i am. i’m winning in life.” to do what? is it to inflate our own egos or to try to prove to someone else that “i’m not a nobody.” with this greater emphasis on sharing our lives with the world and/or comparing them with others’, social media may have sort of expanded this range of symbols of status and success.here’s my shopping haul
get ready with me
you must see this movie
your favorite artist is collaborating with this brand/company
everybody is buying this new thing
political stance! you shouldn’t buy this new trendy thing anymoreyou’re totally out of the loop, or it's hard to keep up unless you’re watching and consuming, watching and consuming. do we have to buy to be someone? do i need to buy to be a part of a group?anyway i’m kind of rambling and losing the plot here. but overall, i think maybe people should be cheap. its okay. maybe people should be a little more frugal. sometimes i think, “i really need this,” but do i?i’m terrible at staying hydrated. i researched online for ideas and suggestions, some convincing me that maybe i need this product or this kind of bottle. “i need a new water bottle,” but do i? i have a handful of reusable ones, that i hardly ever use (because as i mentioned, i’m absolutely not hydrated). but its like ohh i need this. i need xyz.once i get it, how much do i value it? how often do i really use it?
i need my own bible. i really need to buy one asap. i need to study.i urged and urged and bought one i thought was really nice. do i even use it?
not really. i might crack it open once in a blue moon. this might be a terrible example, but it came with the feeling of “look what i got. i’m doing well, i’m making progress. look at me.” it was false. its a way of managing the impression i want others to have of me, whether i realize it or not.photos and videos at different experiences… i have to tell myself not to be excessive about it anymore. the other day i almost found myself wanting to take a photo of some burgers i was enjoying with my partner. is it really needed? just for me to post it? does it make me feel better to post it? does it make someone else feel envious or insecure? will i look back at the photo and even care about it? does any of this even matter?i feel i’m not expressing these thoughts nearly as well as i could, but wow… its just a lot.
maybe we could start emphasizing quality time and enriching experiences in ways that are low cost and genuinely focus on the quality of the experience itself. going to the park for quiet time or to toss a ball. having a library date and/or picking out books for one another. sharing something with someone, whether its reading the same book or listening to the same songs together.no comparison. minimal spending. just being present and finding the beauty in life.
with all said, there’s nothing wrong with seeking new experiences that cost more. no problem at all, and i can definitely say i do it as well. but we’ll find that there’s more ways of making and building connections, and we can show leniency and support towards others who face circumstances that won’t allow them to sustain a costly, fomo lifestyle beyond their means.

my bff raymond seems to call me a music nerd or something and he says i know a ton about music, but erm actually !! i know a bit about music i like lol. i've been involved in stan culture since i was about 12 yrs old. and there came times when i moved on from a band i liked, and just felt empty like i desperately wanted to be obsessed with another group again as some form of comfort. wasn't healthy, wouldn't want to go back to stan culture again. (even prior to stan culture i found myself wanting to be obsessed with smth as a kid? like consciously deciding i'd be a spongebob or pokemon fan and memorize the schedule for when it'd come on tv). that sounds like a topic for another time.

i listened to a lot of solo projects to from gerard way's hesitant alien to andy black's solo album at the time. i also delved into poetic works of flatsound and was recommended a song or two from bright eyes: "poison oak," which i still love today. anyway gerard way's work is/was super impactful for me, super emotional. i really connected with it during my entire middle school experience and as i discovered more post-hardcore bands, namely pierce the veil and sleeping with sirens. sws' album "let's cheers to this" was just... idk such a defining part of my life lol idk how else to word that! it was so paramount to how i dealt with depression and grew into adolescence.

then i was left with a void again. i was a teen trying to deal with being a teen, without a clutch. i had an obsession over questioning my identity and who i am in various ways. nonetheless, i decided i wouldn't be stanning anymore. my music taste started to expand a bit as well.nowadays i listen to the same bands i grew up with and came to delve more into metal, metalcore (i also quite liked), nu-metal(ish), folk/indie (like the lumineers), indie-alternative, etc. I did listen to pop artists before like troye sivan, and i later came to enjoy hayley kiyoko's music for a bit. i then love(d) rina sawayama, who was also recommended to me by an online friend (thank you)!!!i've listened to k-ballads for a brief period and chill music by 92914. i really enjoyed king princess for a bit and i became a fan of cavetown, as i felt i could genuinely relate to their lyrics.

that's a lot! but not really
i listen to a lot of different things nowadays. i feel so open when there's no rules, boundaries or pressure from being part of group or some sort of fan culture. not trying to complain sm and its okay if anyone still enjoys it. but that was my life for like 10+ years 😭if you read all this, i'm sorry and also you deserve a sticker. and a huge thank you 😭!! you absolutely didn't need to, but i really hope to write more about music in more detail. thank you for stopping by to see me let out my rambles.let's chat music together some time! do you have any interesting experiences or anything you relate to?

Tonight I feel lost, yet I feel like I'm in a comfortable place I used to call home. A few days ago I created a playlist called "slow alt ballads" for the purpose of transferring some of my favorite music from Spotify to CDs. And I feel that while I'm mentally drained tonight on top of having a busy first day of the week, I think that this playlist simultaneously feeds and validates this isolating feeling I have. It feeds it, yet it heals me. I can't explain it. Anyway, I decided I'd listen to music while showering, and then I'd go straight to bed. The first song up: Jesus Christ by Brand New. Please listen to it if you haven't.This song is the way we probably ought to have conversations with God. The narrator is having this tough discussion that heavily focuses on the mental health difficulties he's facing. He feels alone, he feels isolated. Life feels hard in the sense of... being somebody just feels impossible. I can't put this song and the feeling it invokes into words. The song itself just feels like a state of being I know too well. I was that person that felt so out of reach from everyone else. This song—perhaps it's also because I discovered this song around this time —this song reminds me a lot of the mental state of my 12 year old self.I don't think I've ever been more depressed in my life. It was at that time that I had no place that I felt comfortable. I dealt with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I had breakdown after breakdown. For the years after, I still dealt with anxiety, and I found it hard to connect with anyone. Could anyone love me? Could anyone like me? I really longed for a friend. I used to think so much about how I could make it through anything in this life as long as I just had someone. Several years later, I finally have my someone , and sometimes things don't feel any easier. It can be hard to realize that we're living a life we once asked for, prayed for, begged for. I never saw it happening.Along with this song, I also have a song from the same band: "The Boy Who Blocked His Own Bullet." Not listening to it tonight, but it is a good listen nonetheless. Another notable track: "You Told Me You Loved Me" by Cinematic Sunrise. I've always loved this song, it feels beautiful yet sad (such a simple way to describe that). This song describes an ache, but it doesn't feel like heartbreak to me. It feels like there's already been some sort of acceptance and defeat, yet the narrator (or myself as a listener) gets this sense that while things have turned out differently than one had hoped, there are still lingering feelings of what was and what could've been. This is a feeling I know too well. No attachments here; I've met many amazing people and friends, and I'm in an amazing relationship. But don't you ever miss friendships and connections? It's like some kind of grief; grieving someone who's gone but not dead.Perhaps there's 2 more songs I will share. One I enjoy and just started listening to recently: "I Swear This Time I Mean It" by Mayday Parade. It makes me want to sing. It feels achy too, like you're grieving someone who is currently still with you. You don't want them to leave; they're perfect. They're beautiful, they're amazing. I mess up again and again; I'm far from perfect. I'm far from normal or okay, and that's something I've always wanted. I finally have someone for me, someone I love and who loves me. The narrator of this song watches his lover sleep and sings to her sweetly; he wants to keep things right. He wants to take care of her, support her and not mess things up—especially due to one's mental health struggles or pain from past experiences. In the same breath, he doesn't want to hurt either.I see my partner sometimes, and I feel like... almost like dirt. They are so kind and so sweet to me, all the time. They're a goof (in a good way), but we both hurt—we've both been hurt. We both have our fair share of mental struggles and worry about losing one another or not being strong enough. This moment, this chance—our friendship and relationship is something we didn't expect to happen, and we want to hold onto it as tightly as we can. This is something we've both needed. I love them so much. They are so much stronger and better than they give themselves credit for.Me, I shut down; I shut others down. It's not right, and because I can't get myself together, like how the narrator worries about his "clumsy tongue" and hoping to sing the song well enough for his love... It feels similar.Last song, but not least: "Roger Rabbit" by Sleeping With Sirens. This band has some very nice acoustic tracks. I used to listen to this song a lot years and years ago, but I didn't really pay too much attention to the lyrics or at least apply them to my own life. Someday I came to realize just how much this song resonates with me (a lot). It's so easy to sing, but the message is so valuable. Really think about it, reflect on it. I had to do something serious reflection on who I am, how I'm navigating all my relationships, emotions and experiences.This song has the right messages for the right time. "When you have today, say all that you have to say."This song teaches me to live authentically, which I feel like I've struggled with so so much until this past year. I worried too much, and I still internalize almost everything. It takes a lot for me to remind myself not to worry. But I do think I've been making progress in becoming more like myself and being content with it. I've rejected labels, yet I've found the courage to one day tell my family who I am regarding parts of my identity. I've challenged social anxiety and found a way I can interact with many people without stressing too much about social expectations. I am also medicated, so I will say that's helped a lot. Otherwise you have me, crying at work or at an In N Out because of an interaction I perceived to be awkward. So debilitating.Another valuable message of this song: "Nobody's gonna love you if you can't display a way to capture this." Amazing. You know how the other songs reminded of that feeling of depression, isolation and just feeling like being somebody was impossible? For just about my entire life so far, I haven't been able to take initiative in making friends. It's such a struggle (and it still is). Every friendship I had consisted of someone else pulling me around. I thought it was the same with my partner.Except, my partner came to me and stayed with me, instead of pulling me wherever they went. And from the time we've met and to this day, I can say I've definitely grown and become more social. I'm shedding layers of myself, an outer shell that kept me comfortable in my anxious social discomfort. Someone told me recently at work that I'm popular—its hard to see it sometimes. I try my best to work hard, but nowadays I try to have fun and engage while being authentic if I can. I'm so glad I can be surrounded by people who let me be me, most of the time. I think from seeing my work ethic, my willing to help and my overall personality, I've found love around me by doing just what this song describes "displaying a way" or giving people an opportunity to see me, see who I am and love me.p.s. I shall share some more music-based writings soon. I want to start doing song analyses, but they will not be professional. Also I'm typing all of this on my phone so I will edit and reformat soon.