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last update: 10.7.2025 @ 9:51pm

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hello i’m finally writing just to write. i need to update, but i find myself kind of ping-ponging between topics to “discuss” (ramble) about. so right now, i will update on a current obsession.my partner and i have seen two star wars movies together so far. he’s introducing me to some of the pre-2019 films. so yes, the last movie we’ve seen was star wars episode… 3? i believe it was episode three. the one where anakin turns to the dark side and ultimately becomes darth vader. spoiler alert lolafter that movie, like 99% of other star wars enjoyers, i was like “ahh anakin”
haha its so funny cause you see— you see…. who isn’t a little star struck by hayden christensen ? if you aren’t, you’re kinda just lying to yourself.anyway i’m like NOO im in a relationship but at the same its like.. aha anakin as a character is really something. i’ve seen hayden in another film that i actually just put on for background noise at the time. as an aromantic—listen, being on the aromantic spectrum, i’m generally not attracted to people. yes, there are certain people i’m drawn to sometimes, certain people who i find to be special (which i’ve also written about, check it out)! it’s like, i don’t like you romantically, but i like you more than most other people. and beyond that, i also can still recognize some people who i can probably find attractive, but i’m not attracted to them. from celebrities like zendaya to christensen— you don’t even have to think about it. you just can’t lie to yourself. and beyond celebrities, with everyday people, it can be just the same. it’s just a fleeting thought with no substance to it whatsoever.anyway, i’m not drawn anakin’s actor himself, but rather the character on his own. i feel like i’m someone who just loves angst. i love it. i don’t know why.i see anakin in that film, and it’s like… get a pierce the veil edit of this character right now. this guy did it all for love! and he lost himself. he did it all for love. what would your lover do for you !!???its like, sheesh i sure hope you don’t do anything DANGEROUS AND TRAUMATIC but like?? oh my gosh this is so toxic, bye.there are people who love being involved with toxic relationships irl, but i really couldn’t. its just, the whole idea of the angst and “what would you do for love” is idealized and romanticized. i’m guilty okay.and yes pierce the veil’s lyrics were just as toxic and intense years back. i’m like… the singer’s literally preaching about this girl and how he’d do anything. and its just these extreme measures with kind of intense images. “i don’t care if your contagious” is arguably one of their most popular songs, but this one most definitely has these themes!!as an alternative/post-hardcore band, there isn’t really even phc screaming in these parts, he’s really just like up in the studio preaching like his life depended on it for this girl.and YOU KNOW WHAT? i love it.

it’s okay to be cheap. it’s okay to be frugal. it’s okay to choose to be this way, and it’s okay if you have no choice in it at all.we live in a culture where we just consume, consume, consume. if you’re not having many new experiences, are you even successful? have you even made it in life if you can’t go out every week or multiple times a week? who even are you if you’re from a smaller town or city? how do you even have or make friends?your checking account is dwindling, and then your savings—or vice versa, whichever it is you use for you, beyond bills and necessities. there’s a certain term floating around the internet among people of my generation: FOMO. Fear Of Missing Out. it’s like everyone knows and recognizes its a thing, yet we still lean into it. we lean into living beyond our means so that we can truly experience what its like to be young and have fun. we spend so that we can try to relate more to people our age through pop culture. maybe it also has something to do with the fact that people of my generation are so hopeless about attaining the future they imagined as children: a nice big house, a stable family and a secure career. the word “economy” wasn’t part of our vocabularies to even worry about how we were going to make it. in the present day, this life feels so unattainable, that maybe it wouldn’t hurt to get a treat every week. what difference would it make?it’s not even just people my age. i think every generation has their own version of FOMO or YOLO. was there ever really a time where the poor and working classes had confidence in attaining a high standard of living or simply achieving their goals?what about those today who do hold onto this hope, these dreams? what if they simply want to save to be able to afford to live? why do they have to hurt socially? why does it have to hurt.why is there this culture, this pressure to be more?
growing up, especially from an increasingly aromantic perspective, i began to recognize symbols of status and success in western civilization. why is someone perceivably better or more successful if they’re married or in an established relationship? single individuals come to feel depressed or like something’s wrong with them just for not having a partner. i feel that only recently, people started to think differently and express: “it’s okay to be single.” it’s okay to not want to be in a relationship, either.though, i think social media has amplified this sense of comparison and the need to show the world: “look how successful i am. i’m winning in life.” to do what? is it to inflate our own egos or to try to prove to someone else that “i’m not a nobody.” with this greater emphasis on sharing our lives with the world and/or comparing them with others’, social media may have sort of expanded this range of symbols of status and success.here’s my shopping haul
get ready with me
you must see this movie
your favorite artist is collaborating with this brand/company
everybody is buying this new thing
political stance! you shouldn’t buy this new trendy thing anymoreyou’re totally out of the loop, or it's hard to keep up unless you’re watching and consuming, watching and consuming. do we have to buy to be someone? do i need to buy to be a part of a group?anyway i’m kind of rambling and losing the plot here. but overall, i think maybe people should be cheap. its okay. maybe people should be a little more frugal. sometimes i think, “i really need this,” but do i?i’m terrible at staying hydrated. i researched online for ideas and suggestions, some convincing me that maybe i need this product or this kind of bottle. “i need a new water bottle,” but do i? i have a handful of reusable ones, that i hardly ever use (because as i mentioned, i’m absolutely not hydrated). but its like ohh i need this. i need xyz.once i get it, how much do i value it? how often do i really use it?
i need my own bible. i really need to buy one asap. i need to study.i urged and urged and bought one i thought was really nice. do i even use it?
not really. i might crack it open once in a blue moon. this might be a terrible example, but it came with the feeling of “look what i got. i’m doing well, i’m making progress. look at me.” it was false. its a way of managing the impression i want others to have of me, whether i realize it or not.photos and videos at different experiences… i have to tell myself not to be excessive about it anymore. the other day i almost found myself wanting to take a photo of some burgers i was enjoying with my partner. is it really needed? just for me to post it? does it make me feel better to post it? does it make someone else feel envious or insecure? will i look back at the photo and even care about it? does any of this even matter?i feel i’m not expressing these thoughts nearly as well as i could, but wow… its just a lot.
maybe we could start emphasizing quality time and enriching experiences in ways that are low cost and genuinely focus on the quality of the experience itself. going to the park for quiet time or to toss a ball. having a library date and/or picking out books for one another. sharing something with someone, whether its reading the same book or listening to the same songs together.no comparison. minimal spending. just being present and finding the beauty in life.
with all said, there’s nothing wrong with seeking new experiences that cost more. no problem at all, and i can definitely say i do it as well. but we’ll find that there’s more ways of making and building connections, and we can show leniency and support towards others who face circumstances that won’t allow them to sustain a costly, fomo lifestyle beyond their means.

i have always had an obsession with finding the right diagnosis for whatever is wrong with me. (not even just mental health diagnoses, but labels overall). i don’t know what it is.anxiety? health anxiety? ocd (another form of anxiety)??? autism? the urge to find out? the need to know?as a kid, i always wanted to fit in. in my earlier years of elementary school, i probably had not gained consciousness or self-awareness yet. i really thought we were all just friends at school. i wasn’t very rejection sensitive simply because i didn’t take subtle signs of rejection. someone would have to flat out say, “i don’t like you” or “i don’t want you there” just for me to somewhat understand that “okay, i’m not welcome.” and even with a simple “no,” i would follow up with “but why?”i started developing anxiety without really knowing it. i’d spend my lunches pretty much isolated most times (or sometimes? i actually don’t know how often it was). i’d walk the field at lunch—i did 100 miles in the first grade, as we had the “mileage club” that allowed us to get mini prizes for doing laps. anyway, i once got hit in the head by a soccer ball and cried my way up to the nurse’s office. i sat there with some ice for the rest of lunch, and i guess i kind of liked it. i would just go to the nurse’s office during my lunches just pretending that i’d gotten hit again. i wasn’t totally broken, right? i didn’t have friends sometimes, but i still believed we were all friends. i didn’t understand that anyone could dislike me.i was pushed that same academic year and ended up with scabs all over my face from that incident, which i think triggered a picking issue if i didn’t already have it before. but yeah, even in that moment, crying while i was helped up, i saw the bully laughing while running away. yet, i didn’t seem to think “he’s a bully. he’s bullying me.” it continued on.at some point i kind of started to wake up and realize that, no, we’re not all friends, just peers. i wasn’t liked by everyone, even though i was a quiet, nice, phenomenal student. it started to break me i think. but even still, aged 9, i didn’t accept rejection if people simply weren’t direct about it. i’ve been tripped, talked about, had my stuff stolen and broken and still, i couldn’t think negatively about these people. it was probably the 2nd and last time i tried to self-invite myself to someone else’s birthday party because others got invitations but not me. i was the nice but sensitive kid. like, i was rightfully cried a crybaby, so of course no one wanted to hurt my feelings. but i just wanted to have fun, you know? if you gave all other kinds of excuses or cues but didn’t say “you’re not invited,” then i simply did not get it. there were a lot of things i didn’t understand growing up.while everyone else was aging and maturing, i felt like the same kid inside who didn’t quite understand everything, at least socially. so i turned inwardly towards myself and perhaps cold towards everyone else. i started to feel depressed, and things gradually started making sense to me. at some point, of course, i learned to recognize cues. but i hadn’t yet learned how to handle rejection or how to stand up for myself.anyways, some years throughout all of this, my picking habit would get really bad. it was embarrassing sometimes. other times it was scary, because someone would have a big reaction and ask who did this to me. who do i blame? as i got older (and spent more time online as well), i became sure of the fact that i had depression and anxiety. however, i started to feel like there was something more.i think this over-obsession with finding out what mental disorders i could have started with the fact that i took a psychology class in high school. we took a few personality tests, and my instructor made me feel like my results were wrong or not accurate with no other assistance. it left me feeling pretty uncomfortable with the instructor and just frustrated overall. i tried taking online personality tests again and again and again. i researched a lot about assessments, enneagrams and mbti functions. and then i took tests for everything from orientation to symptoms and trying to find answers for my picking. i leaned towards OCD for my BFRBs (body focused repetitive behaviors). i’ve leaned towards adhd, autism, anything and everything that could explain who i am and my different behaviors.why did i pick? why was it so hard to make friends? why did i have to check the doors a few times every night before bed to make sure they were locked? to get in bed and check again? why couldn’t i go to bed without saying goodnight to everyone? why did my brain lag in certain situations? why do i look this way? why can’t i make friends? why can’t i be normal?i went through this internal process of trying to let go— letting go of the questioning, letting go of the labels, the researching and more. as i developed my master’s thesis, i considered topics related to youth, LGBTQ+ studies and especially mental health. but nothing resonated with me more than the subject of identity and labels. my entire youth is simply about that.and i find that while i’ve been able to “let go” over the last couple of years, i still feel unsatisfied. i started therapy. i’m seeing an NP for medication, and i got evaluated by a psychiatrist. but that whole evaluation experience that i’ve waited years and years for left me feeling broken. i absolutely just cried with how inadequate and incomplete it felt. i had always imagined several sessions of discussing symptoms and scenarios, only to be told in a short conversation that “just from looking at you, i don’t think you have x, y or z.”“you don’t look like it.”i received assessments–some intended for children—that i felt didn’t capture the nuance in different situations or symptoms. the questions are so direct but limiting that i could really have chosen whatever diagnoses i wanted by answering a certain way.“do you struggle with remembering birthdays?” yes? no? sometimes i do but only in a certain way…
“are you organized?”
“do you have a hard time sitting in one place?”
“can your child engage in pretend play?”i don’t know. the head of the psychiatric department that does the testing almost wanted to diagnose me with schizophrenia. “are you sure you don’t experience hallucinations?”i listened to his follow-up voicemail to inform me of my final results. he told me that i’m just 21 and still discovering myself. there’s just some trend in young adults seeking autism diagnoses. i was told to take the results with a grain of salt and keep discussing with my therapist.my therapist at the time didn’t seem to understand how important it was for me to get evaluated. she was working towards a promotion unknown to me at the time. she stopped assigning homework and didn’t follow-up with me on the things we were supposed to talk about, namely the test results. she was always sick (not her fault). canceled sessions but was less forgiving about me joining late. she interrupted to talk about her dog sometimes. i dunno. one last session, she told me about her promotion and that i would be give the choice between two new therapists. she never checked in on me after meeting with my new therapist as she told me. its okay. my results got lost at some point, and seeking a re-evaluation, especially through this practice, doesn’t seem worthwhile.its fortunate to have insurance, otherwise some of these tests were about $4k. how terrible is that? people cannot afford mental health care, let alone healthcare as a whole. should someone seek a diagnoses, do they have to worry about the adequacy and understanding of the professionals to recognize that different symptoms exist for different people? should they consider that some people, especially women, could go their whole lives masking their symptoms? that research studies only include certain demographics? well, they’re not sociologists.listen, i’m grateful to be able to do any of this. i had the opportunity. i have the resources i need. i have a listening ear, and i have the internet.i went on a little rant there, but even after all these years, i guess i still long for answers. if only life came with a blueprint, or a users manual, for each person… that’s just a thought that’d linger in my mind.

“the farmers market has a lotttt of food. like a ton of food trucks. they even have anime, crochet, pins—” i loveeee going to the farmers market. its not some boring thing that pops up in one’s mind when they hear about it. “farmer’s market.” some veggies here, some fruit there. support your local farmers, pick up some produce and go home.i really rave about it though; i tell my coworkers they have to go. it’ll be way different than what they’re initially thinking. its so cool! i go for the agua frescas and jewelry, and make sure to spend $20-30 on hot food to eat. i tell my coworkers or my partner: i’ve gotta save up like a hundred bucks just for the farmer’s market. one can spend that much easily, going booth to booth–and another one hundred, week after week.i rarely purchase produce at the market. i go to consume right then and there.
its so unfortunate to imagine: what if farmer’s can’t make it at the market? don’t get me wrong, this is a place where small businesses can thrive. i love it, but we need to consider the ways in which consumerism gets us in today’s society.a somewhat unrelated anecdote: when i was a kid, the farmer’s market was brought to the grassy field of our elementary school. we got to see the little cows and horses, but more memorably, we lined up with little grocery bags and got to pick a number of fruits and/or veggies. something like that is totally unimaginable nowadays, especially given the current political climate. but as kids? it wasn’t the most thrilling thing, but it was fun! it was enriching. i was exposed to a market of food and products that was, unknowingly to me, healthier and perhaps more cost effective than what we can get at a grocery store today. fast forward—in my adolescence, i didn’t really spend money. i was so stingy with it until maybe 2021? I learned how to use a debit card, and i was starting to become an adult who could make decisions independently.wowww, everything just starting to go downhill with my spending habits! it went from, “hmm i might buy myself a birthday gift!” it was just 1 thing, a cat beanie from etsy. and i was happy. it was like that until my mind just thought, “well if i want it, i’ll buy it.” the concept of saving or waiting is, unfortunately, foreign to me now… for whatever reason that is, maybe worries about how short life is. Maybe its the comfort in spending and consuming, especially with a little retail therapy.anyway, i hadn’t been to a farmer’s market until my partner took me last year. i don’t think i was very interested initially, but it was amazing. food vendors really dominate— we always get something to drink on top of a meal or two. load up on sweets, buy a bunch of things we don’t need. i decided i wanted to collect pins a few years ago, and i officially started after visiting the farmer’s market. and i saw a post recently about “collections.” does it mean anything to you? what value do the items you collect have for you? is collecting just a means of consumerism?i think so. pins are cute, for sure. do i find joy in them? just thinking about it… no, not really. i’m kind of neutral about it. but the initial boost of dopamine i get from buying something makes me feel better. it’s so bad. its no different from doing retail therapy via amazon or ordering things online to have something to look forward to in the mail (in which i found myself enjoying as well). the idea of having a pen pal has circulated around for a bit, and i used to love writing. i think writing and exchanging letters can give someone that same boost. and when we buy–for our pal or for a loved one–we can start evaluating just how much value this will have for us, personally. today i bought a bunch of earrings for my coworkers? will they wear it? eh, maybe once or twice. will they keep it? cherish it? likely not. gifting in other ways, perhaps through writing letters, can also lead us to be more intentional about our actions. its not something thats fleeting. it takes time and effort to write something up, put something together and send it off to another person.anyway, this isn’t about pen pals or letter-writing. rather, i couldn’t help but to think about the hyperconsumerism in today’s society and how its present even in a small, local market. is that the fault of the vendors? not at all. i love supporting them.why do we buy?we need to find other ways to make ourselves happy. we must find other ways to go out, enjoy fresh air and engage with the community. do i sometimes feel guilty when a vendor without customers stares at me as i walk by their booth? absolutely. yeah i’ll buy from them. maybe limit it to 1-2 of those vendors each visit lol. but really, we as individuals needs to understand limitations and be able to successfully act on them. it’s such a struggle and there’s little actionable attention towards certain problems and/or addictions. quit overspending. quit scrolling.slow down for a moment and learn what its like to be human.

i really struggle to take care of myself. and when i do, it's not for myself. I can't seem to find the actual motivation and determination to physically take care of myself and to do it consistently. it's been over a year now since that huge burnout i had. at the time i had consistently taken care of my physical hygiene everyday, twice a day (you know, moisturizing, brushing, etc etc). i had gotten some practice with being disciplined and getting work done.i was getting somewhere, and i was proud to have kept at it for around a month, until i pulled an unsuccessful all-nighter to try to finish writing a draft. I think that really, really broke me. it's never happened before. if I'm staying up until sunrise, that paper’s getting done, you know?except this time, I stayed up until morning with very very little progress made. I felt like i was gonna lose it, actually, trying to work in the middle of the night but ultimately staring at my mostly blank document for hours. very minimal distractions if any. i was broken.i can't do all-nighters without feeling somewhat sick in my chest. I didn't sleep. I broke my routine that I gradually developed for myself. (I skipped my shower that night because i get sleepy after showering—so I thought I'd do it in the morning instead. the paper would be done and i could sleep). I didn't brush my teeth that night either, just trying to focus on getting done. I sacrificed all the effort I put into remaining consistent with my self-care for what felt like nothing, because nothing good came of it.anyway, hygiene and self-care have been a struggle for as long as i can remember. actually, id say since i was around 10 years old. i have zero clue as to why i had such a mental blockage when it came to such simple yet mundane tasks. i became incredibly behind in school work all the time. i don't want to say severely behind but i was unintentionally, consistently behind when it came to homework. I was generally a good, overachieving student before… until i started 3rd grade at around age 9, when i remember lying to my teacher once about how my dog ate my homework (yes, im really that dense but as a kid i absorbed everything and just repeating things without an ounce of self-awareness). maybe something about my spirit felt like it was starting to break. maybe i actually was starting to gain social awareness or consciousness and that started to break me as well. it just started going downhill from there.later in 5th grade and then middle school (7th/8th)… the school work situation would just get really bad. and as i became more depressed id just get up—listen to as much music as I could —id put on whatever clothes, however. Put on a hoodie or jacket and leave for school. on a few occasions I'd just wear my pajama top, which was still usually a regular tee.anyway back then, like age 10, i found myself not wanting to take care of my hygiene for no particular reason. im not even sure if it was out of laziness bc maybe id put more effort into maybe washing myself any other way, like at the bathroom sink, than taking an actual shower. it's terrible. i was also going through some emotional turmoil with friends at school, my picking habit was still pretty bad. in later years id have issues related to tonsils and skin irritation (though it still existed regardless of my own self-care efforts; maybe just worsened if anything due to a lack of care).my head hurts. and my eyes. in the past month or two or so, I've been having dizzy spells. I'm not entirely sure of the cause given that i get bad eyestrain and the muscles in my neck are super tight. i have also been incredibly… incredibly dehydrated this year. not drinking water has been the new mental blockage. and then i still deal with anxiety, depression and the likes. and health anxiety on top of that too sometimes… it just sucks.taking care of myself actually feels AMAZING!! why can't I do it?back to the main subject —self care but not for myself:in a short phase of my life, id only take care of what was visible. you know, hygiene related to body odor and moisturizing only my visible skin. sometimes I'd only take care of myself if I thought someone would see some part of me—especially with regard to an emergency situation. for whatever reason, id partake in self care while imagining what would happen if im in an ambulance or in a hospital bed and they have to remove my clothes? what if they check me? then I'd better moisturize and remove my body hair. what if some emergency happens and that's it (like a death scenario, but I pray it won't happen). I would be like “i need to make sure my hair looks okay, and take care of x, y and z.” in all such situations, it was never self-care just for my own sake, but rather in fear of being perceived.even in a religious sense, i actually found comfort maybe in the past year while reading the Bible or learning more about it. (this was actually supposed to be a mental health/spirituality post but i ramble). there were a couple of verses that were comforting or reassuring. for example: I always worried about my clothes, being perceived and finding my own style. and i read a verse about not worrying about what clothes we wear or what food we'll eat.on the other hand, i read a verse pertaining to self care (insert below, if i find it). i then thought that it's now my duty to take care of my body. why am I neglecting it? i should be taking care of myself. my body is not my own. in that sense, i found a reassurance or desire to take care of myself.now, today, I still struggle. I'm on a short leave from work for mental health reasons, but im not sure if it's going to be any benefit to me. because while self-care can be hard, like a mental hurdle, i have another obstacle of a task that is taking my medication for my mental health.I don't know what to say or what to do anymore. i definitely thinks theres some other underlying issue and that there's more to me and my mental condition that just depression and anxiety. i just don't and can't know for now.

i am a person who seems to always be reaching new limits--on whichever end of this sort of spectrum. no, i'm not always developing into some great over-achieving person who just grows and grows until they're virtually unstoppable. if you've watched demon slayer, you'd know the main character, Tanjiro, pretty much never gives up and he impossibly becomes stronger and better and more determined. such positive, upward progression. meanwhile i feel like a downward, declining version of this slope and yet, if i as a person was represented as a line on a graph, i have seemingly no trends whatsoever aside from one that is gradually declining overall.this new limit i'm reaching is really a feeling i have, in which i'm hitting a wall. i'm hitting a wall in which i'm starting to feel stuck, hopeless and discouraged. i feel negative and my non-existent coping skills aren't even a consideration. and then its so weird... i just feel this pent up rage or rebellion that i never acted out on as a teen (well, i can't say never, for sure). but its like when i can't get my way, i feel like everything goes to hell like, i don't know. not literally, but it feels like "wow, no one really cares. why do i try? i hate everything. i'm having a terrible day already." that absolutely sucks, and i hate to feel like my emotions and feelings build up to the point where i'm having adult tantrums over the littlest things because my patience is so thin.i think when i was last at work i swear i had little to no patience at the beginning of the day, and with less tolerance lately, i feel less of a need to control my reactions. it's like "i don't care!" or "do better!""please stop talking!" and "i'll do it myself" make things easier for meanyways i feel like with a frequent sense rejection lately as well, i start to feel dejected, like i'm giving up. i'm giving up on wanting the things i've wanted for forever! i'm giving up on people or things, at least temporarily. and then i feel this anger or rage, like, what am i actually doing here? i'm trying to stick around with individuals who are some of the biggest haters i've met and it SUCKS. and it feels even crappier because i feel like despite trying my best to be as honest and supportive as possible, no one cares ! do what makes you feel better about yourself. i have to try to stop caring to much about my job and about people i do/don't know.how does one stop caring?
you don't.
people start pretending, and that's one of the worst things i ever want to do. so great that everyone else has no issue, but its taken forever for me to be able to live somewhat authentically, comfortably and a bit out of my own shell. why does life and the actions of others seem to want to step on our hopes and dreams, if any? how do i keep myself from no longer caring?it's hard. and you know, today i reactivated my instagram just days before its permanent deletion because i supposedly found it super inconvenient to try to find info on businesses and events without it. and yeah that's mostly true, but perhaps i was also trying to find an excuse all along? and while i'm trying to limit my time on that app and on social media in general, i can feel myself feeling tempted to fall into poor habits again. i can feel the self-critique through comparison with the thought of existing in a world where i don't fit in, where i don't belong. a world that i can't figure out and doing life feels impossible. i thought i was just being me and doing a pretty good job at it, but it turns out that--maybe from an outside perspective--i'm just a nobody.anyway, life it good. but by "reaching new limits," i'm actually feeling that i've reached a breaking point again and again and again. "how am i reaching a limit again when i thought i was before?" that's how it feels. this time its not really a limit, i'm just sick and tired and maybe mentally ill. just a little bit. i hate depression, and it hates me too. and with the conclusion of suicide prevention month and also actively recognizing the unhealthy thoughts and reactions i've had, maybe i need help. or just to toughen up a little.p.s. on an additional note beyond my venting and rambling, i do actually want to do some cool stuff independently. i feel like i could start getting into different hobbies and healthier habits. i also think i might be interested in do more professional papers/writing but not through an institution. i definitely want to write and post. maybe work on a real website. i also want to do music/media analyses still so there's that to look forward to.

my bff raymond seems to call me a music nerd or something and he says i know a ton about music, but erm actually !! i know a bit about music i like lol. i've been involved in stan culture since i was about 12 yrs old. and there came times when i moved on from a band i liked, and just felt empty like i desperately wanted to be obsessed with another group again as some form of comfort. wasn't healthy, wouldn't want to go back to stan culture again. (even prior to stan culture i found myself wanting to be obsessed with smth as a kid? like consciously deciding i'd be a spongebob or pokemon fan and memorize the schedule for when it'd come on tv). that sounds like a topic for another time.

i listened to a lot of solo projects to from gerard way's hesitant alien to andy black's solo album at the time. i also delved into poetic works of flatsound and was recommended a song or two from bright eyes: "poison oak," which i still love today. anyway gerard way's work is/was super impactful for me, super emotional. i really connected with it during my entire middle school experience and as i discovered more post-hardcore bands, namely pierce the veil and sleeping with sirens. sws' album "let's cheers to this" was just... idk such a defining part of my life lol idk how else to word that! it was so paramount to how i dealt with depression and grew into adolescence.

then i was left with a void again. i was a teen trying to deal with being a teen, without a clutch. i had an obsession over questioning my identity and who i am in various ways. nonetheless, i decided i wouldn't be stanning anymore. my music taste started to expand a bit as well.nowadays i listen to the same bands i grew up with and came to delve more into metal, metalcore (i also quite liked), nu-metal(ish), folk/indie (like the lumineers), indie-alternative, etc. I did listen to pop artists before like troye sivan, and i later came to enjoy hayley kiyoko's music for a bit. i then love(d) rina sawayama, who was also recommended to me by an online friend (thank you)!!!i've listened to k-ballads for a brief period and chill music by 92914. i really enjoyed king princess for a bit and i became a fan of cavetown, as i felt i could genuinely relate to their lyrics.

that's a lot! but not really
i listen to a lot of different things nowadays. i feel so open when there's no rules, boundaries or pressure from being part of group or some sort of fan culture. not trying to complain sm and its okay if anyone still enjoys it. but that was my life for like 10+ years 😭if you read all this, i'm sorry and also you deserve a sticker. and a huge thank you 😭!! you absolutely didn't need to, but i really hope to write more about music in more detail. thank you for stopping by to see me let out my rambles.let's chat music together some time! do you have any interesting experiences or anything you relate to?

Tonight I feel lost, yet I feel like I'm in a comfortable place I used to call home. A few days ago I created a playlist called "slow alt ballads" for the purpose of transferring some of my favorite music from Spotify to CDs. And I feel that while I'm mentally drained tonight on top of having a busy first day of the week, I think that this playlist simultaneously feeds and validates this isolating feeling I have. It feeds it, yet it heals me. I can't explain it. Anyway, I decided I'd listen to music while showering, and then I'd go straight to bed. The first song up: Jesus Christ by Brand New. Please listen to it if you haven't.This song is the way we probably ought to have conversations with God. The narrator is having this tough discussion that heavily focuses on the mental health difficulties he's facing. He feels alone, he feels isolated. Life feels hard in the sense of... being somebody just feels impossible. I can't put this song and the feeling it invokes into words. The song itself just feels like a state of being I know too well. I was that person that felt so out of reach from everyone else. This song—perhaps it's also because I discovered this song around this time —this song reminds me a lot of the mental state of my 12 year old self.I don't think I've ever been more depressed in my life. It was at that time that I had no place that I felt comfortable. I dealt with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I had breakdown after breakdown. For the years after, I still dealt with anxiety, and I found it hard to connect with anyone. Could anyone love me? Could anyone like me? I really longed for a friend. I used to think so much about how I could make it through anything in this life as long as I just had someone. Several years later, I finally have my someone , and sometimes things don't feel any easier. It can be hard to realize that we're living a life we once asked for, prayed for, begged for. I never saw it happening.Along with this song, I also have a song from the same band: "The Boy Who Blocked His Own Bullet." Not listening to it tonight, but it is a good listen nonetheless. Another notable track: "You Told Me You Loved Me" by Cinematic Sunrise. I've always loved this song, it feels beautiful yet sad (such a simple way to describe that). This song describes an ache, but it doesn't feel like heartbreak to me. It feels like there's already been some sort of acceptance and defeat, yet the narrator (or myself as a listener) gets this sense that while things have turned out differently than one had hoped, there are still lingering feelings of what was and what could've been. This is a feeling I know too well. No attachments here; I've met many amazing people and friends, and I'm in an amazing relationship. But don't you ever miss friendships and connections? It's like some kind of grief; grieving someone who's gone but not dead.Perhaps there's 2 more songs I will share. One I enjoy and just started listening to recently: "I Swear This Time I Mean It" by Mayday Parade. It makes me want to sing. It feels achy too, like you're grieving someone who is currently still with you. You don't want them to leave; they're perfect. They're beautiful, they're amazing. I mess up again and again; I'm far from perfect. I'm far from normal or okay, and that's something I've always wanted. I finally have someone for me, someone I love and who loves me. The narrator of this song watches his lover sleep and sings to her sweetly; he wants to keep things right. He wants to take care of her, support her and not mess things up—especially due to one's mental health struggles or pain from past experiences. In the same breath, he doesn't want to hurt either.I see my partner sometimes, and I feel like... almost like dirt. They are so kind and so sweet to me, all the time. They're a goof (in a good way), but we both hurt—we've both been hurt. We both have our fair share of mental struggles and worry about losing one another or not being strong enough. This moment, this chance—our friendship and relationship is something we didn't expect to happen, and we want to hold onto it as tightly as we can. This is something we've both needed. I love them so much. They are so much stronger and better than they give themselves credit for.Me, I shut down; I shut others down. It's not right, and because I can't get myself together, like how the narrator worries about his "clumsy tongue" and hoping to sing the song well enough for his love... It feels similar.Last song, but not least: "Roger Rabbit" by Sleeping With Sirens. This band has some very nice acoustic tracks. I used to listen to this song a lot years and years ago, but I didn't really pay too much attention to the lyrics or at least apply them to my own life. Someday I came to realize just how much this song resonates with me (a lot). It's so easy to sing, but the message is so valuable. Really think about it, reflect on it. I had to do something serious reflection on who I am, how I'm navigating all my relationships, emotions and experiences.This song has the right messages for the right time. "When you have today, say all that you have to say."This song teaches me to live authentically, which I feel like I've struggled with so so much until this past year. I worried too much, and I still internalize almost everything. It takes a lot for me to remind myself not to worry. But I do think I've been making progress in becoming more like myself and being content with it. I've rejected labels, yet I've found the courage to one day tell my family who I am regarding parts of my identity. I've challenged social anxiety and found a way I can interact with many people without stressing too much about social expectations. I am also medicated, so I will say that's helped a lot. Otherwise you have me, crying at work or at an In N Out because of an interaction I perceived to be awkward. So debilitating.Another valuable message of this song: "Nobody's gonna love you if you can't display a way to capture this." Amazing. You know how the other songs reminded of that feeling of depression, isolation and just feeling like being somebody was impossible? For just about my entire life so far, I haven't been able to take initiative in making friends. It's such a struggle (and it still is). Every friendship I had consisted of someone else pulling me around. I thought it was the same with my partner.Except, my partner came to me and stayed with me, instead of pulling me wherever they went. And from the time we've met and to this day, I can say I've definitely grown and become more social. I'm shedding layers of myself, an outer shell that kept me comfortable in my anxious social discomfort. Someone told me recently at work that I'm popular—its hard to see it sometimes. I try my best to work hard, but nowadays I try to have fun and engage while being authentic if I can. I'm so glad I can be surrounded by people who let me be me, most of the time. I think from seeing my work ethic, my willing to help and my overall personality, I've found love around me by doing just what this song describes "displaying a way" or giving people an opportunity to see me, see who I am and love me.p.s. I shall share some more music-based writings soon. I want to start doing song analyses, but they will not be professional. Also I'm typing all of this on my phone so I will edit and reformat soon.

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